I am feeling guilty this morning. There is no rational reason for it; but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it. My mind, as I’ve long known, is not a rational creature.

We are missing church this morning. That is part of the guilt, because I love going. But with both vans having battery issues and one van unregistered, we are driving as little as possible. My van goes back to the garage tomorrow for the second try at repairs.

My larger guilt stems from our current circumstances. After months of financial challenges, I am feeling worn down, with (sometimes) little energy or initiative to continue. I wake up feeling like each day is just a repeat of the previous day, with no change or end in sight. It is a matter of perception, I know. But it is getting harder to see past it.

My mind insists on telling me that if I was “just” more responsible, more mature, more able to handle my own affairs, then we would be doing better. Somehow it has become my fault that we are stuck in this situation, more so my fault that we can’t get out of it. “All I have to do”, according to my mind, is whip myself into shape and for God’s sake DO something to fix things. Of course, it never tells me what I have to do. It simply scolds me because I haven’t done it yet.

What is the truth? I don’t know. If I had a crystal ball, perhaps things would be different, and I would see a way clear of our troubles. For now, I have to work harder to see past this limiting view of my world, to untangle myself from these sticky cobwebs my own thoughts would have me trapped in. I have to summon the energy from somewhere so I don’t suffocate in these threads. But I don’t have a lot of energy today. All I can do is breathe and pray.