This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

They had to medicate Jack last night. He got anxious and combative because I wasn’t there. He insisted on getting out of bed so he could find me. He doesn’t realize he can’t walk safely on his own because of the stroke.

When I got to the hospital just after six this morning, Jack was in a med-induced sleep. But he wasn’t wearing his CPAP, and his oxygen saturation was down to 89. When I asked why he wasn’t wearing it, I was told he had just fallen asleep. I told them to please put it on immediately. They did. His numbers came back up.

I promised Jack I would never let this happen to him. I promised him I would keep him home. Now, due to things beyond my control, he isn’t home. He is lying in a hospital bed and being given all sorts of medications. This is exactly what I didn’t want.

Now I have to let go. I have to accept that he may not come home again. I have to let go of caring for him. Since I’ve devoted this part of my life to caring for him, I’m struggling.

I’ve always given him good food, kept him safe, allowed him his freedom as much as I could. Now he is in a hospital bed, not allowed to get up, being fed a diet that I wouldn’t choose for anybody. It breaks my heart. I am both angry and sad that it has come to this.

But I can’t have him home. This is the reality. I can’t keep him safe now. I can’t catch him if he falls.

I can’t do a two person transfer. I can’t choose what he wants to eat because I don’t know how his swallowing was affected. I can’t help him in the bathroom any more. There is so much I can’t do.

Right now all I can do is be with him. I can be his advocate, his voice. I can work with the nurses and calm him when he’s upset. I can help him adjust to this new chapter.

I pray that what I do will come to be enough. I pray I can adjust too.