I gave Jack CBD oil for the first time this afternoon. He has been re-living his earliest trauma (his birth mother abandoned him when he was two) for several days now, and he has been clingy, terrified, and crying if he even thinks I’ve raised my voice. He has begged me not to leave him. No amount of reassurance has helped.

So I slipped a dropperful of the CBD oil into his mug of hot chocolate. Within an hour he was much calmer. He sat quietly at the table and played with his quarters. Then Tim, on his way out, reminded him of his upcoming test tomorrow. That set off a round of questions.

“Why is the test being done?” Jack asked. “What will happen? Who said I had to have it? What is the reason for it?” He was on the edge of anxiety again, ready for a fight. I took a deep breath as I phrased an answer.

“Your brain doctor ordered two tests.” I said, speaking slowly to make sure he understood. “He’s concerned because you’ve been having trouble swallowing and he wants to find out why.”

“How long have I had that?” Jack asked, puzzled.

“You’ve had some trouble for a few weeks and it seems to be getting worse.” I said. “He’s set up two tests for you and then we will see him again.”

“What will the tests do?” Jack asked. I explained about the CAT scan and the video swallow test. “They will help to see if something is causing you to have trouble swallowing. If he finds something he will tell us how to fix it.”

“What if he doesn’t find anything?” Jack asked. It was an unexpected question; and I swallowed hard before I answered.

“If they can’t find something, they will show me how to make it safer for you to eat.” I said. I wanted to answer without giving him the truth; but strangely, Jack was having none of it. Maybe it was the CBD,

“What happens if they can’t fix it?” he persisted. I hesitated; but he pushed the issue. “What does it mean if they don’t find anything?”

“It means that something in your brain is making you forget how to swallow.” I said, taking a risk and telling him the truth. Jack nodded, his confusion clearing.

“Then that means I’ll die.” he said. It was the first time he’d ever said those words. I swallowed a huge lump in my throat and nodded. “When?”

“Nobody knows that. But your body will tell you when it’s time. I think it already is.” I said. This last was an intuitive guess, but Jack nodded immediately.

“It is. I didn’t want to tell you.” he said.

“Were you afraid I’d be scared?” I asked. He nodded. “Are you worried I won’t be okay?” Jack nodded again, his eyes filling.

“I don’t want to leave you behind.” he said, his voice breaking. I took my deepest breath ever and put my hand on his arm.

“If you need to leave, it’s okay.” I said, speaking slowly to make sure he understood. “If you leave I will be okay. I will miss you and I will cry, but I will still be okay. You can go whenever you need to.”

Jack nodded, wiping his eyes and blowing his nose. “How do I get there? Where do I go? I don’t know where the path is any more.” he said. I heard the fear in his voice and I squeezed his hand.

“There’s only one path and it’s yours. Nobody can take it away.” I said. “When it’s time, the path will just open up in front of you and all you have to do is start walking. There’s no way you can get lost.”

“Who will help me get there?” Jack wanted to know.

“I will. And your family will too. Remember you told me you talked to your family before?” I said. “You saw your grandma and grandpa, your mother and your two brothers. They’re all waiting for you.” Jack nodded, his face breaking into a smile. Then he sobered again.

“But you won’t be there.” he said, his eyes filling again. He grabbed me and held on tight. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“We’ll still be together; we’ll just be living in different places, that’s all.” I said, trying to reassure him. “All you’ll have to do is think of me and you’ll know exactly where I am. You can visit me any time you want.”

“But I’ll be dead.” Jack said, clearly scared. I shook my head.

“No you won’t. Your body is something you have, not something you are.” I explained. “Do you remember when we talked about this world being the fake world?” Jack nodded. “Your body is part of the fake world so it stays here. It’s the coat you wear as long as you’re here. But when it’s time for you to go home, you take off the coat and you keep going. You don’t need it any more.” Jack nodded.

“How will I know when it’s time?” he asked, repeating his earlier question.

“Your body will tell you.” I said. “You won’t feel like eating any more and you’ll want to sleep more.” I didn’t say that he had already started to do those things. “I think your body’s been telling you.”

Jack nodded. “I’m ready to go home.” he said. Then his eyes filled again. “I’m sorry that I have to go.”

“Don’t be. I’ll be fine.” I told him. “I know how badly you want to go. You can go any time you need to. It’s okay.”

After some more talking, Jack was calmer, so I got up to make dinner. As I turned to start putting food on the table, I almost bumped into Jack, who had come up behind me. He looked at me for a long moment, right into my eyes. Then he wrapped his arms around me, hugged me for the first time in months, and kissed me three times on the lips.

“Thank you.” he said. “I love you.” And just like that, he was gone.