There is a side to caregiving that nobody talks about. It’s the one aspect that is not mentioned much in books or anywhere else. The books offer how tos for almost every situation. But no book can fully address the myriad details and interactions that make up a day. That side of caregiving is only learned by living it   And sometimes there are no words to describe what that’s like.

Like this morning. I’m sitting here at our cluttered table, trying to write this post. Which means I need to have it quiet so I can stay focused. But Jack is sitting across from me, laboriously writing down everything he remembers about yesterday. (something he started on his own to help himself remember). Which means he interrupts me multiple times to ask about correct spellings, to clarify something, or to complain that his pen doesn’t work. Which has led to my erasing this and starting over four times in a row.

This is a side of caregiving that doesn’t get talked about, perhaps because it’s such an intimate part of our daily life together. I get frustrated, angry, impatient and overwhelmed, sometimes within the first hour of getting out of bed. But I don’t like admitting that. I would love to be seen as someone who is eternally patient and loving, who has all the right responses at the right times, who can skillfully guide Jack through whatever crisis he may be in, without batting an eye.  And I CAN be that person, sometimes. More often, my own humanness comes out in all its rampant ugliness. Then my frustrated tears are for myself, because I’ve failed Jack again instead of giving him what he needs.

Being a full time caregiver challenges me to be a better person in all ways. This is not something books can teach. It has to be learned day by day, sometimes minute by minute through our interactions. There are no hard and fast answers on this road, no matter how badly I might want them. Just a lot of prayers and deep breaths, picking myself up and trying again, and hoping that over time I will actually learn more of what works. Hoping that I can become the person that Jack needs to have by his side on this road, someone who knows the way instead of someone who knows very little and is trying to figure out the way with him.

But maybe it’s better we’re learning together. We ARE partners, meant to walk hand in hand. I’m not meant to lead him, but to walk with him as he finds his way. Maybe my job is to take care of myself first so I can be a better travelling companion.