Jack was fairly lucid yesterday. These days are a blessing to me, even if he forgets them later. On those days, he is able to help me understand how he sees the world. Those discussions are always eye opening.

Yesterday was no exception. I realized once again that inside, Jack is the same person. The difference is, he is unable to express it outwardly. I’ve seen this for a while.

What surprised me was that Jack had no idea he is doing things differently. He thinks he is the same as always.

“Why don’t you understand me?” he asked, at one point, when he’d gotten a little frustrated. “I’m making things perfectly clear. What’s wrong with you? I know you’re not stupid.”

I took a deep breath. “When you talk to me, you have a picture in your head, right?” I said. Jack nodded. “And you also hear the words you want to say.” Jack nodded again.

“I know what I want to say.” he agreed.

“And inside your head it’s perfectly clear.” I wanted to clarify this, because I had suddenly realized something. “You know all your words and how you want to say them.” Jack nodded. “What’s happening is, I’m not hearing them that way.” Jack looked puzzled.

“Explain.” he said. I took another deep breath.

“Let’s say you want to ask me where your hat is.” I said, speaking slowly to make sure he understood. “Your mind says, ‘Do you know where my hat is.’ ” Jack nodded. “The part of your brain that isn’t working right doesn’t let that question come out if your mouth. That part says, ‘Where is my thing that I had yesterday’. Jack looked shocked.

“I say that?” he asked. I nodded. “I don’t hear that at all!”

“You hear the question that’s in your head.” I said, and he nodded. “You hear yourself talking normally and you get mad because I can’t understand.”

Jack is inside his body. He thinks and feels as he always has. I’ve known this for a long time. But until yesterday, I didn’t realize that he has no awareness of how he talks now. In his mind, he is as normal as ever and he is talking just like the rest of us. No wonder he gets so frustrated.