My life is far from normal. Living with Jack makes every day an adventure. I’ve gotten better at navigating his ups and downs and his changing abilities. I take things in stride more easily.

On the flip side, however, this way of life has become the norm, so much so that I sometimes forget what a ‘normal’ life is like. I view most things through the lens of dementia now. This point of view has evolved from the day to day realities of dementia, so I accept that it’s part of my life. But once in a while I need a reality check.

Everything Jack does is caused by his dementia. Sometimes I forget this. He still has days where he seems fairly lucid (he is lucid in a different way now, if that makes sense). The difference is, this lucidity is paired with an almost complete lack of comprehension. It is this part that is hardest to get used to.

Like school. When Jack was well he always wanted me to go back, but we didn’t have the money. Now that we have the money, he isn’t well enough to celebrate my going back. Nor does he get, at times, that school costs money. So he has accused me of stealing his money and playing games with him. And no amount of trying to explain makes any difference. His brain no longer gets it.

Jack’s latest version of reality is, I’ve given up on school. I’ve wasted all that money for nothing. All the school did was take the money and run.

I spend all my time working, he accuses. He ‘never sees’ me studying or going to class. If I don’t get busy, they will throw me out. I will never get anywhere, and we will be stuck here forever.

Jack doesn’t see the balance I maintain. My weekdays are for work; my weekends are for studying and homework. Sometimes I’ll catch a class during the week when dinner is done. But that doesn’t happen often. After a day of working and caring for him, I am usually too tired for school.

Jack no longer gets the concept of time. He thinks that after one class I should know everything and be making tons of money. He doesn’t understand that I’m trying to cram a two year program into six months. He wants results RIGHT NOW, and when he doesn’t see them he thinks I’ve given up.

Which means he rides my butt constantly about ‘getting busy with’ my classes. He doesn’t see all the work I’m putting into them. He sees me sitting there looking at my phone and he thinks I’m ‘playing’. And no amount of explaining gets through.

I realized yesterday that my trying to help him understand is the norm. I try all kinds of ways to get through. This is not a bad thing. But when he doesn’t get it, we both think there’s something wrong with me.

If Jack was well, he would see things just fine. If he didn’t have dementia, I wouldn’t HAVE to explain everything over and over again. He would instantly understand everything I was doing and know that it takes time. Since he has dementia, he’s not going to get it no matter how much he wants me to explain, no matter how many times I try.

This realization is both sad and freeing. I am sad because he relies on me to help him understand, and he feels I’ve let him down when I can’t. It is freeing because I now see that I’m not wrong when I can’t help him to see things. He’s just not going to. And that has nothing to do with how well I explain.