Jack came back yesterday. Last night and this morning, he was almost his old self. We were together again, a couple. I have no words for how good that felt.

It was different for Jack. For that brief time, he saw clearly how much of his life he’d lost. He realized how he was. He saw (I think) his future.

We talked for two hours last night. It was an intense conversation. He was angry, sad and scared. He had questions, so many questions. I tried to answer truthfully without being fully truthful. I wouldn’t take away his hope.

“What happened to me?” Jack asked, shaken at his insight. “I can’t remember anything. My whole life is gone.”

“You have something called dementia.” I said. “It makes your brain not work right.” Jack nodded. He understood that much.

“Where did my life go?” he wanted to know. I took a deep breath, praying for the right words.

“Imagine your whole life is a picture on a blackboard.” I said. “Can you see that?” He nodded. “Dementia is like an eraser. It erased big parts of your life off the chalkboard and they’re gone. That’s what the blank spaces are.”

“I know they’re in there but I can’t find them any more.” Jack said, meaning his memories. Then he changed the subject.

“Is it going to get better? Will I get better?” he asked. I wanted to say yes and I couldn’t say no.

“We can always hope.” I said. It was the best I could come up with and it wasn’t enough. Jack’s shoulders slumped; his eyes filled with tears.

“Then it’s over.” he said, his voice breaking. “I don’t think it’s going to get better. I’m not going to be able to drive again.” He cried silently for several minutes. Then he burst out, “Why did this happen to me? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything. This just happened. You can’t control that.” I answered. Jack nodded, still fighting tears, letting my words sink in. Then he squared his shoulders and looked at me.

“You need to get your schooling done.” he said, his eyes intense. “Then you need to lock me in a room and leave me there. You can live wherever you want.” His voice wavered, then cracked. “Just come and visit me once in a while.”

“I’m not leaving you.” I told him. But he shook his head.

“I’m no good. I can’t do anything!” he said. “You need to put me away somewhere.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath.

“You don’t need to do anything to earn my love.” I told him. “I didn’t marry you for what you can do. I married you because I love you. And I’m not leaving. I’m not putting you away. We’re walking this road together. You’re not doing this alone.”

Jack’s shoulders sagged again, this time with relief. He wrapped his arms around me so tight I couldn’t breathe. He buried his face in my shoulder and burst into tears.

“Thank you.” he said, his voice raw. “Thank you.”

I held him tightly, not speaking. I was crying too.

This morning, Jack was still here. He bounced out of bed, said “Good morning, sweetheart.” and put his clothes on. He got his shoes on the right feet. He said, “I love you.” several times. He even kissed me.

I felt him across the table from me as we ate. Some of you will understand that.

“We need to get this apartment quickly so I’ll know I’m safe.” Jack said, as we dug in to our eggs and cereal. I told him Tim was coming at ten to drive us over. Jack nodded, munched, swallowed and tapped me with his fork.

“We need to get this apartment quickly so I’ll know I’m safe.” he repeated.

“Tim’s coming at ten, darling. We’re dropping the papers off this morning.” I said again. Jack nodded, reassured.

“Good.” he said.

We drove to the apartments. Tim joked with Jack on the way, and Jack actually joked back. He was chatty and happy, saying how nice it would be to have a real place to live. Tim was amazed at his clarity and awareness. It was a lively ride.

We brought the papers to the office. The lady interviewed us for an hour; then we all relaxed and chatted as she reviewed everything. She wrote a few things down and typed something on the computer. Then she looked up from the screen.

“Everything looks good. We’ll call you when a place opens up.” she said. “You’re number ten on the list now, so it might be a while. But you should be in some time next year.”

I looked over at Jack, smiling. I saw the blankness rising in his eyes, and I knew that he was gone.