I have had some light bulb moments this year. The first happened back in the winter when a good friend asked me how I would survive without Jack. I was shocked to realize I couldn’t answer.

The next one, in the spring, was the realization that I didn’t need Jack’s permission to do anything. I had always sought his approval when I wanted to do something, and deferred to him if he said no. When I realized he was no longer capable of giving permission, another light went on. I realized I didn’t need anyone’s permission to do anything.

But the biggest realization happened just a few months ago. I had been wondering how I would survive alone (which happened rather frequently), and it suddenly hit me. I’m already alone. And I’m doing just fine.

I am a solo act. I handle the finances; I pay the bills; I make all major decisions; I do the trailer maintenance. I work; I cook; I do laundry, shopping and cleaning. I do everything that a single person does. I just happen to be caring for someone else while I’m doing it all.

I have been alone for a long time. This realization, hard as it was, was the catalyst that made me really start thinking about my future. What did I want it to look like? How would I support myself? What were my dreams? Did I even have any?

It was the first time I’d dared think about a life without Jack. The realization that I could create my future any way I wanted to was a revelation. For the first time ever, I could build a life that I wanted, one that would reflect who I really was. I could do it after he was gone. I’d never had that opportunity before.

But why wait until he was gone?? That was the next question that occurred to me. Why not build the foundation now, while Jack was still here? I was essentially alone anyway, and I didn’t need his permission. Why not do it now and make the transition easier?

I’ve done a lot since then. I’ve gone back to school full time to learn web copy and web design. I’m building a vision board about how I want my future to be. I have even started taking care of myself now by eating better and making time to do things I love to do. I am working intensively on my own healing too. I have put myself on my own to do list in ways I never thought possible. And I have put myself at the top.

This does not mean I have stopped loving or taking care of Jack. When he goes I will miss him terribly. But in a lot of ways he is already gone. The dementia took him away a long time ago, and he is not my husband any more.

I would never wish dementia, or caregiving, on anyone. It is a brutal and exhausting way to live. But Jack’s dementia has freed me to be myself, which is a blessing I will always be grateful for. I just wish he was here to celebrate with me.