It has been an exhausting week. Jack has been having a period of lucidity coupled with zero comprehension, which can be more trying than anything else I deal with. When he is like this, he wants me to explain everything in minute detail. But he doesn’t understand the explanation, no matter how simple. Then he gets frustrated and paranoid and accuses me of playing games. I get frustrated trying to explain, which makes things worse.

Yesterday I actually had to walk away. I had called the bank to transfer money from the savings account to the checking account. Simple, right? Not to Jack. He assumed that I was taking his money away. And no amount of explaining got through. When he started accusing me of playing games, I quit trying. I got up, said, “I’m done.”; left the trailer and went back to work.

This morning it started again. I had called Olympic Area Agency on Aging to get information on several things; and someone finally called back. But I didn’t want to ask my questions because Jack was right there listening. So I asked the lady for her email and hung up. That got Jack’s attention quicker than asking the questions would have done.

Immediately he pounced. He wanted to know exactly what I was doing, why I was “sneaking around” behind his back. “You’re lying to me.” he said. “Why are you trying to change things? You’re trying to put me away.”

“I am asking for information. That’s all I’m doing.” I said. But Jack shook his head.

“I want you to tell me exactly what you’re doing.” he insisted. I took the first of many deep breaths and tried again. It didn’t work. After two hours of him grilling me, he still didn’t understand. I had a massive headache from biting my tongue so I wouldn’t rip his head off.

But that is not hardest part of the lucidity/lack of understanding combination. It is much harder when Jack asks questions that I don’t know how to answer. Like this morning when I had to help him with his shoes, after he’d put them on the wrong feet three times in a row. As I tied a shoelace, he watched me, puzzled and frustrated. “How come you know how to do this and I don’t?” he asked. How do I answer a question like that?

Driving is another one. Jack still insists that he can drive, that “all we need to do” is buy a car. Then everything will be fine. Things will be normal and he will be able to take care of me again.

“But I don’t have a licence.” he said later this morning, after he’d finally forgotten about grilling me. “I’ll need to take the test again.”

“We can practice that right now.” I said, picking up my phone. In hindsight, it was one time where helping him was a mistake. But I didn’t want to tell him the truth. “They have the test online. All you have to do is answer the questions.”

“Good idea.” Jack said, leaning forward in his chair. I read the first question.

“If you are driving 300 feet or less behind someone at night, which do you use? Emergency lights, flashing lights, high beams or low beams?” Jack looked puzzled.

“Read it again.” he said. I did. “What are the choices?”

“Emergency lights, flashing lights, high beams or low beams.” I said.

“Low beams.” Jack was unsure, But he’d guessed right. We moved on to the second question. I can’t remember what it was now, but Jack had no clue what the answer was.

“I don’t know.” he said, looking anxious. “Why don’t I know?”

I read the third question. I should have stopped at the second one. Jack thought, then froze, looking stricken, his eyes filling. I put the phone down, got up and hugged him.

Jack buried his face in my chest, breaking into tears. “I don’t know anymore.” he said. “It’s all gone. Why can’t I remember?” I just held him. I don’t know how to answer that question yet.

This is most when I feel like I’m walking a tightrope. What do I say when Jack wants to know why he can’t understand things? Do I answer truthfully and take away his hope? Or do I lie, pretending that things are still normal, that this is a temporary state?

I promised him I would always be truthful. What happens if I lie and he realizes I’ve lied? I don’t think that question has an answer.